Your Answer

Hi God. I'm not proud of the way I've behaved. For the past two weeks, I've been doubting and feeding into my doubt. But, I've also been waiting. Waiting for you to speak, to bring some sense into this hazy cloud that seemed to have settled into my life. And finally I believe you did. I first heard you on a drive, to school.

 "Leydy, after everything I've just done. After the way you've experienced my power in these three years of law school, you still ask me to defend or explain my existence."

It was a funny, odd way to answer my question. But it was very effective. Truth is, these past years I've seen God's hand and experienced his miraculous power and sovereign grace like never before. I know I am here by your grace, God. I know everything I've done, I've done because you have sustained me.

Dust that I am, your answer didn't stick with me through the next wave of doubt. And so for another week or so, I forgot or refused to accept that it could have been you talking to me that way. Until my conversation with Venise a few days ago outside of school.

We'd been talking for about an hour about so many things, law, faith, justice...alll that. I spoke to her with so much convictionaabout you and what I beliee you desire, that at some point I paused and had to confess my most recent struggle with doubt. I told her about my parent's situation, my questions, my confusion.  And she told me about the ebbs and flow. The highs and the lows of this Christian walk. She remembered reading about it in C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters.  As she spoke, I realized that even though my brother's theory sounded plausible, I did believe that you have made the highs in their marriage higher and the lows not quite as low as they were before.  I chose to believe that this hardship, this trial for the past 20-30 years, has been a reflection that your grace is sufficient for them as it  was for Paul. I chose to believe that you've made them stronger, drawn them nearer to you.

Arrogant Pharisee that I am, I also remembered my time dating David...so many times we messed up, and everytime I thought "Surely God's hand is strong enough to keep me from falling again." But sure enough, I often did fall again. And again, you forgave me and drew me closer. Through it, I considered myself a Christian even though the battle was so hard and often times I would lose. And I still believed in you; I believed that you were greater, that you were a God of forgiveness and love and grace. Today, I see that it was true.  Today, because I stand by your grace and am married to the one I didn't even deserve. Who am I to say that they're not Christians? I've been there, struggled and fought and fell over and over and over again. Yet, my salvation was not less.

God, please help me not forget your words this time. Cement and confirm them God. I forget so easily, and doubt seeks to assail me every minute. I love you, I choose to believe that you are a just God, that you are a powerful God. I accept that life is not black and white, that you don't fit in a box, that it isn't always A or B, that I can't figure everything out. I accept that my thoughts are not as high as yours, that I am the clay and you are the potter.  Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?