Good night Lord. It's been an interesting day...I've been thinking about you so much. And even though that makes me happy, I can't say I'm really proud of myself. Sometimes when I get like this, I have such a hard time concentrating and staying on task at everyday life things like my work at the office. Today it was you, on my mind...so much. And then it was this new blog thing I've gotten into my head. I just keep wanting to find a diary. Someone's diary, but not just anybody. I want to read and see into the heart and mind of a woman who loves you , and lives out your word everyday...I guess I kind of just want it for inspiration. To know that it's really possible. (that was part of the reason I started this blog when I didn't find anything, knowing and feeling, all the while, that I probably wasn't that woman yet but aspiring that one day, as months and years went by I would start to read the difference in my entries as I grew into that woman) Anyways, I don't know what to do with myself when I get like this; it's kind of frustrating because I feel super-spiritual all day and while that's good, it shows me how un-spiritual (if there is such a thing) I am most days. Basically,I just haven't figured out this walking with God daily thing, the praying without ceasing...sometimes it seems more like its a day on and a day off for me sometimes...Give me balance God.
So, what is it that I've been thinking about you exactly? Well, after watching that Justin Peter's A Call for Discernment video the other day (disc if anyone actually reads this blog: not a 100% advocate of everything on there...but a lot is really good stuff), a lot of things kind of started to click, or in the very least a lot of things started to just kind of come forward in a new way for me. You know me Lord, I've never really been a big Prosperity Movement kind of person; you've given me that grace, and really I just want money to give it all away. But, I have been a big Miracles and Wonders believer. And I still am, because I do believe you are a God of Miracles and Wonders, but now I am looking a little closer at it all and one of the things he said stuck with me:
He said that a lot of these people who area all about miracles and healings and supernatural movements of God claim that part of the reason they are such strong advocates of these things is because these things show the glory of God--they in a sense add weight and value to the Christian message. But this is wrong! he says. The message of Christ, the Gospel itself is the power of God...the GOSPEL is what brings salvation to everyone who believes. Your gospel is the power..not the healings or the blessings or the wealth...your sacrifice and your saving grace THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. Even if God were to stop healing people (which he doesn't ) and the whole world was wrecked in poverty (a lot of it is), your Good News would still be the saving grace of men (Earth to L.S.R: this is probably why there are so many scriptures about how "love is the greatest of all these things," about how "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ") Your love, the love you showed on the cross and the power of your love; that is the only saving grace.
That is some powerful stuff God. I don't know if I've been fully aware of it! It seems like I've always been one of those Christians hungry for an outpouring of your spirit, a pillar of fire, miraculous healings...etc. And not that anything is wrong with that, but I'm wondering how much of my prayers have been consumed with this; I'm wondering how much of my life I may have used up on prayers for miracles and healings and all of that instead of just worship, or learning new ways of worship, or maybe even just friendship. I don't know, I'd like to think that not too many because I truly love you Lord, but all the same: it's liberating. It's liberating to know that I can love you; unconditionally-that this is actually what it's all about, always. That I don't have to feel disappointed or feel the need to justify and make sense of the times when it seems like you don't come through in the way I thought you would, or even when you don't act. In the end it doesn't matter.What matters is that I love you, and you saved me. And that you're sovereign.
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