The Baby Inside My Belly!!!!!

I found out on August 11 that I am pregnant. Or at least that's what both of my $1 pregnancy tests from Dollar Tree said. I didn't believe it. I felt like I couldn't believe it, just too surreal. Me...pregnant?!! It was a Saturday, so I had no choice but to wait until Monday to call the Doctor. And then when I did, he would not see me. Something about my having to be at least eight weeks along before I could come in. I was infuriated, and I made sure to tell the lady who answered the phone. It didn't matter. They still wouldn't see me.  I even decided to go to one of those low-income clinics for another urine test (the blood test took too long) just in case I'd messed up the home one. Pregnant. But oh, unbelieving Thomas that I am, I still didn't really know. Nonetheless, Christian (formerly known as David), ever-rational brain that he is, decided we should tell family (By this time time I'd taken about three at-home tests, my period had failed to make an apperance for six weeks or so, and my boobs were huge and painful.)  I went along and did so gladly because even though I didn't really know, know, the thought of it being true was just too exciting. And so we told his family, my family, best friends, on an on. A few days later, I was still thinking "Oh my God, we're telling all these people I'm pregnant...now they all expect a baby. What if I'm just sick."

Until September 13. Like Thomas, I believed when I saw. The little seed was in my belly, fully formed, dancing and moving its arms and legs, prancing for mommy and daddy to see. I heard its heart beat too "thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump." The sound was so strong and so unexpected coming from my belly! " I'm here! I'm here! Wonder in amazement at the beauty of my little arms, legs and beating heart!" I'd never felt such awe and bewilderment in my life. My eyes were transfixed to the little figure on the screen with its fully formed body, tiny arms, tiny legs, big head and little tummy. All Christian could do was smile and laugh and point to the little hands that moved as if greeting its mommy an daddy for the firs time.  "That right there is my baby!" I thought. "I'm going to be a mom. Christian is gong to be a daddy. We really did it. God is forming our little boy or little girl inside of me right now." It's like a dream.

Whoever loses his life...Stream of consciouness ramblings I think

Awesome bible study of  Luke 9 and Matthew 16 (parallel context):

http://www.jesuswalk.com/lessons/9_22-26.htm.

Reading Matthew 16 verse 25 "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it," and studying what it means to take up your cross and follow Jesus and die with him...

It's a hard, hard, lesson.

Was also listening to Pastor James Ford from from Moody Radio preaching on a sermon titled "Don't Ever Give Up" at "http://www.moodyradio.org/brd_programupcoming.aspx?id=83050 

A lot of what he said in there stuck with me, starting with his parable/methaphor of the Judge who disrobes of his garment to take on a regular person's clothing in order to help a criminal. Also impacted by his long expo about the man who insead of saying, "Jesus, get me out of here says, Jesus, I'll go through this, I'll walk through the valley of the shadow of death, if you are with me" or the man who sees a mountain an tells God "give me the strength to climb it"  or the man who "looks at his opponents and sees opportunity."

It's all kind of jumbled really, but basically what I'm getting from it all is that we as Christians are to be so lost in Jesus, so utterly trusting in him that we lose ourselves in him and face anything: Physical death and any other death; Death to our ambitions if necessary, death to our desires to please man, death to our fears. And the way we can do this is because we know he's with us, we know that we are buried with Christ and gives us true life.

God, i need help with this at my job. I get so stressed out at times about doing well, performing well, liking people well, getting them to like me well. I start to think about my tomorrow and what sort of consequences there will be because of the choices I make today and the work that I do today that I can't even sleep sometimes (like today, when I got up at 4 a.m. and started to pray b/c I couldn't go back to sleep).  

Ugggh. Makes me so sick. I renounce it all.  I surrender it all! I CHOOSE to trust you in my work, day in and day out. I choose to trust that you equip me and that you lead me and that you are the one who controls my legacy in this career that you have allowed given me the privilege to practice. I will not stress about what TM thinks, I will not stress about what SB thinks.  I will embrace my job as a ministry. I will look to you as my boss and as the one I seek to please. Starting today. I will do this everyday, I will take up my cross and follow you. I will die to self-consumed ambition, people-pleasing tendencies and worry. I will stop asking you to get me out of it because it's hard or stressful at times.  I will walk through it and rest secure in the knowledge that you will establish the work of my hands during this time that I work as a ____.  God help me. I choose this today, but I can't do it without your help. Please, abba, help me.

Medical School

I've been meaning to write for a long time. Can't seem to find the time or place until now (actually "blogging" from my email at work at 8 a.m. b/c this is the only time I can find). Anyways, I digress. David got into medical school. Silence. Blank. That's how I feel. So much time has gone by, we've spent so many months, years, waiting for this moment and it is finally here. What to do? Not quite sure yet, I think the shock has yet to wear off for both of us.

They called him just as we were heading out to EI graduation last Thursday, May 17. David was walking ahead of me, EG and ND I didn't hear the phone ring, but I heard him pick up and something about his voice told me he was talking to Mr. Larkin, but then again he seemed so calm; "Excellent," he said. And then some more words. And some more words. "What about financial aid?"  I knew. He got off the phone and told us in the car with the calmest, most wryful look that I could have ever imagined. E and N both got watery eyes. I didn't seem to be able to stop smiling, but somehow he was calm and so was I. I wanted to hug him and hug him tight, but I didn't feel the urge to scream or shout. All of it was very strange. We told EI land EI later later that after the graduation. Then on Sunday, as we were heading back we concocted some story and stopped by Sunnyville to have dinner with his family to surprise them with the news. AR and OR cried immediately after they realized what we were saying.  And then yesterday we told my family. They were so cute, all of them jumped up and hugged him.We also went looking for apartments here in littlevile yesterday.And now, here I am. Trying to process it all in my brain. Writing, wanting to say a few words to the one responsible for it all. You, my God.

Thank you. Thank you. That's really the only thing I can say. It's weird, because I don't feel the ecstatic joy that I expected to feel. I'm happy, and glad, but somehow still a little numb. Mostly I just have this awesome sense of the reality of you and your word. Of your faithfulness and love and kindness and goodness. There was no reason we should have been blessed in this way, nothing in us that made us holy and worthy. You very well could have said no, and what would we have done? Nothing, just accepted it and moved on. Like so many verses in the Bible, who are we to question the maker of the universe. But you didn't, you granted him the desire of his heart and heard my prayers simply because you love us. Something in the deepest parts of me seems to have begun to understand that although we are not worthy and although we are not perfect, you see our hearts, search them and see the best in us for some reason no matter how small to bless your children.  Reminds me of D's favorite verse "For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His." In the end, it just boils down to one thing--your goodness. Your lovingkindness towards us even though we are no one that you should be mindful of us. My Jesus, thank you for teaching me even now as I continue to grow that trusting you is the only way. The only thing that makes sense. Not just because today I am happy with what you have done, but because I am learning every day of my life that passes, that you are a good God. That you are a powerful, sovereign, righteous and justice God. But most importantly, that you are a good God.


Father, help me remember that. Help me remember your goodness today and tomorrow when life gets better or worse or jus stays blah. May our lives be living songs of worship to you. Lead us, light our path and keep our hearts grounded in you. May you preserve our desire to give and help and show your kindess to others through our finances, our careers, our time and the passions we pursue. Father, ultimately, make us the kind of people, the kind of family, who willingly and glady gives everything you have given us right back to you becasue we love you and trust you and desire to honor you in everything we do. Please get us there and let Deutoronomy 8 be our theme.Thank you for your word, for your entreaty.

Deutoronomy 8: Do Not Forget the LordBe careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the Lord promised on oath to your forefathers. 2Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 4Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

6Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. 7For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills; 8a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; 9a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

10When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. 11Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. 12Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, 13and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, 14then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. 15He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. 16He gave you manna to eat in the desert, something your fathers had never known, to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you. 17You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” 18But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today.
19If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. 20Like the nations the Lord destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the Lord your God.

Amen. With your help, we will Jesus.

Mood Swings and the Gospel

"Your mood swings prove that you are relying on yourself, not the Gospel."

Pastor Mike mentioned this in his message today...describes me exactly. I go through mood swings constantly depending on whether or not I feel like I'm spending time with Jesus. When I'm not, I feel like such a sorry excuse of a Christian and then I don't want to pray at all.

It's hard for me to wrap my mind around Mike's two-word summary of the gospel: Christ, crucified. I don't know what that means, I don't know what that translates to in my everyday walk. It comes from Paul's verse: " I decided to know nothing except Christ and him crucified."

What does that mean? What does it mean in those days when I don't act like I want to know Christ, those days when I don't pray, or don't live like a beacon of light? 

I don't know. I simply don't know. Can you please illuminate me Lord?

Faith & Joy, Meditations

But let all those who take refuge and put their trust in You rejoice; let them ever sing and  shout for joy, because You make a covering over them and defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You and be in high spirits. (Psalm 5:11 AMP)

"Joy- an unwavering gladness of heart that transcends our outward circumstances...Faith is joy's starting point. Joy is born and begins to grow when we place our confidence  in the greatness of God, when we acknowledge all He's capable of, and when we realize all His love accomplishes on our behalf. Joy, true transcendent joy, cannot be gained apart from an abiding trust in God. It's like trying to produce light from darkness. It simply won't happen. But joy abounds limitless for all who make the Lord their confidence. Where there is faith in him, there is joy."
~From the Active Word Daily Devotional.

I think this is the most awesome devotional ever. It's so true, God, my joy abounds in you when I am most focused on your greatness and your mercies towards me all my life. I adore you God, I delight in being your daughter and my joy abounds. You are my portion, my inheritance and my life. Help me to memorize this verse above God. I want to inscribe and memorialize it in my heart every day. I Loooove you my sweet Jesus.

SHUT THE DOOR....Patz's Message 1/29/12

MATTHEW 5:6

"When a woman bakes a cake, at some point, she has to close the oven door so the cake will actually bake." 


Before we can fight the darkness,  plant these churches or free the oppressed, we need to shut the door. 

Why is shutting the door so important:

1. It guards your heart against hypocrisy: There's a temptation to pray extra-spiritual prayers, but it's ok to pray short prayers, or to even use white out on some prayers. The devil doesn't want you to pray, and even if you do pray, he wants you to pray in a way that isn't really heartfelt. Jesus said, when you pray be careful that you don't babble.

When you go into the secret place, rote memorization becomes real.  The secret place is where you get rid of the hypocrisy of having to please people.

Secrecy is the antidote for the hypocrisy gene that we have.


2. Shutting the door saves my mind from complexity: In a world when there's so much going on around you, Jesus said, shut the door! You've turned off the cell phone, you're not looking at your emails, it's just you and fazher. 


Shutting the door is like your Sabbath, it's where you find your rest.


"Jesus is a better Savior than you are a sinner." So, when you say, "I'm not faithful" that's exactly why you need him.

If you don't shut the door, you're gonna work so hard and you're never gonna find your rest. 

3. Your heart needs you to shut the door because that's what leads you to your Father:
There's a way in which God manifests himself in the secret place in a way that he doesn't manifest in another place.

Mike's example of Isaiah sneaking a cell phone away to say hi and get his buddy to talk to Mike.
"I love this kid so much, he has this curly hair and this little lisp...sometimes when he's asleep, I just touch his hair or speak into his ear 'Isaiah, your Father loves you."

What if your Father in heaven feels this way about you? I like my son's hair, Jesus, apparently has numbered your hairs..."number one, number two..."

Behold the manner of love the Fathe has bestowed on us, that we should be called sons of God.

Hebrews 4:16, Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace.

I don't know how Jesus did this, but  after sweating blood, going to the cross and praying "Father forgive him" he made the throne of justice a throne of grace. Now when you approach , you don't approach on your own righteousness, you approach because of that one who died.

Shut the door, not because you're worthy, but because he is. Not because you're a better sinner, but b/c he's a better savior.

Shutting the door is not a command, it's an invitation.

Psalm 18: 6-7

"In my distress I called to the Lord. I called to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice, my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountain shook; they trembled because he was angry."

Medidation
These are such crazy verses. I love them. The image of me, or David, calling out to God in distress and having him respond with such passion and anger on my behalf. I guess it's the way any parent would respond to their child's cry for help when being attacked by bullies...I don't have any kids yet, but I can just imagine my indignation and anger. I felt a littlebit of it when i found out my nephew was being buillied; my whole body got tight and uncomfortabale because of how outraged I was on his behalf. I imagine that's how God must feel, but more. It's such a beutiful thought to know that the most powerful, awesome person allows my cry to come before his holy throne; among a crowd of beggers and praisers and whatever else, he hears me and attends to my requests. Moreover, he doesn't just respond, he feels deeply my distress and is angry on my behalf. Kind'a reminds me of that verse: "Vengeance is mine, says the Lord."

Application
Lord I'm distressed about work. Not full out worry or anything, but still, I'm a little concerned. I don't know why I don't seem to get promoted. I don't know why I haven't gotten any trials; I'm a little nervous and scared at the prospect of them, but I know that I need to do them, that's the whole reason I took this job in the first place. And yet, here I am, preparing case after case, and nothing goes. Worse than that though, I've got the dissapointment of this JOA hanging over my head.

My application of this verse is now, right here. I'm in distress Lord, about this situation, and also about my parent's medical condition. I'm in distress and I'm crying out to you. And as I cry out right now, I am assured by your word because I know that you hear my voice from your temple and that you care and respond, one way or another, I know you hear me and care.

Memorization
In my distress, I called to the Lord. I called to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice, my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked and the foundations of the mountain shook; they trembled because he was angry.