Wow. What a day. So much to take in, so much to examine. First off, I learned what it means to be so consumed by your flesh for a moment and then experience utter and total conviction within a matter of minutes. It was at worship again. As much as I hate to admit it, it's humbling singing as part of the choir after having lead worship at the same church for some time and after having dedicated so many years as one of the "section leaders." I hate to admit it, but there it is. Not only is it humbling, but today I realized that I seem to want to assert my abilities and get some sort of recognition by the people who are now in the place where I used to be. Funny thing is that in the midst of doing this, I manage to sing the wrong thing during practice..hahahha and was told so ( I apologized of course and felt stupid). Afterwards though, when I had the opportunity to sing out in a solo, you were there. Despite the fact that I had been full of pride and completely lacking in meekness, you were there. You could have let me be put to shame (I would have deserved it), but you didn't. Why Lord? Why do you do this time and time again? What are you trying to teach me? That it's not about me. That I am your trumpet; for you to use or not use at will. Yeah, I think that 's it.
The thing is, I hate the process of me actually learning that. Of having that truth actually become enduring and real in my life. I hate the struggle. Between my flesh and my soul. The struggle between wanting to love you with a pure heart that despises and sees the praise of this world as rubbish and the part of me that revels in the praise. So much that at times I wish I could just quit and never have to sing out there again. God forgive me. Please, forgive me for even feeling that way. Especially because I know that the truth is that this is a gift you've given me. A gift where I connect with you and feel your pleasure even as I am transformed in the midst of my praise. And even as I know that you are using it to bring glory to your name and draw people close to you. Please give me a heart that freely boasts in my weaknesses (there are so many can pick from.. I can't even begin to list them), a heart that boasts in your cross, genuinely. I love you God, I want to learn the lesson. A lot of things about this road of worship don't make sense.
I'm worried about my friend. My heart goes out to her Lord. Can you please make it better, take the defeat out Lord. Show her how great you are, how real your power is and how true that verse that says that "Your power is made perfect in weakness." Lord, I don't want her to fail. Can you help her get the paper done tomorrow? Can you please fill her with your strength, your confidence, your peace, your hope and faith. Or if for some reason this is part of your plan, can you show that to her. But no, I don't receive that God..Your word says that your plans towards us are good, to give us a good life. Your word says that you complete what you start, your word says that you are a God of order.
Daddy, can you please touch my husband. Please Lord, he is so amazing, so full of your spirit already in so many ways. But God, my heart longs to see him ignited for you. To see him longing and desiring to seek you without ceasing, to desire to reach higher and see you do powerful things. Please Lord, I know only you can do it; and I also know that everything, the whole world revolves around you and your clock...but Lord, can you do like a daylight savings switch and speed it up? My heart knows that this is not all you have for him. My heart knows that there's so much more of you that you want to show him. Please, hasten Lord, for my sake?
I love you God, I love you so much. Thank you because I finished today. I finished even though I didn't want to study and felt like I really couldn't. Thank you because you're grace is so real in my life. I adore you my Lord. I want to dwell in the shadow of your wings. I want to know you deeper, closer. My desire is for you, please increase it.
Goodnight my savior. Please give me a good night's rest and please take control of my day tomorrow and show me you. Help me accomplish the things I need to accomplish.
No comments:
Post a Comment