I Don't Even Know if You Show

Oh Dear Lord. Listening to songs about you makes me thirst as if I were in a dry and weary land. Everything inside of me craves...for you and for your kingdom. God, I don't even know if I'm doing what you want me to do. At times like this, I just want to sit by your side and sing. Just sing for your glory, just worship you. I adore you. God, you are the strength of my life. But I don't even know if you show. God I want you to show in my life. I don't want to get caught up in living, in going. I want to know you and the glory of your salvation.I want to live and breathe you and I want to reflect you. More than ever, God. If I truly believe this whole salavation story; if i believe the whole message in your word is really true, why doesn't my life reflect it more. God, who have I touched? I don't know I can't think of anyone. God, you know my heart, why do I feel like this? Daddy I need you to speak to me. I need you to give my life true direction, not this aimless wandering, this half-hearted guessing. God, I want to speak your word. I want to touch lives with the power of your name. I want to see miracles, hearts turn to you, healing, miracles. I want to know what it means to walk with you, to find my life in you. God, I need to find my life in you. Please help me, please do it.

I Trust You to Purify Me

Dearest Lord, it's been so long since I've written. Probably about as long as I've prayed. Not sure how it happened: school and I just got in the way, I think. But I missed you, couldn't take it anymore. The thought that you wanted to spend time with me and I hadn't made time made me hurt. So, here we are. I don't have anything inspiring or deep to say, other than that I love you. That I love everything about you. That I wish I felt closer to you right now. But I don't. It seems like school has dulled me these weeks. But how I still love you my sweet  Jesus. I need to give you glory because everything about you is glorious.

Lead me to your heart God. Surprise me in the middle of my day. Father, show me your heart. Lead me to the cross where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me to your heart, God.--I borrowed that from Brooke.  Draw me in. Give me your heart. I've had a hard time speaking lately, dunno why. Daddy, I want to know the meaning of life with you. In you. Awaken me again! Please. Give me strength.

Lord, I've been getting so scared lately. I hate it. You've been so graceful to me and I've done so well these past two years...I'm afraid that it's gonna get to head or that it already has.  I know it hasn't been me. It's been so clear to me every semester. But now, it's almost like I'm starting to think that its natural and I don't know. I don't know. I just want to give YOU the glory. I want to trust in YOU, not in my strength or in my calendars or strategies. God, but the calendars help. I feel so overwhlemed otherwise. Please give me peace. God search my heart and know me. In my deepest of hearts I know that the glory is all yours and that I can do nothing without you. Daddy let that be at the forefront of my thoughts. Let that eclipse every other thought. And let it be for your praise. I renounce every fear in my hear or mind because your perfect love in me knows no fear. I trust you God. I know you will keep my heart and my ways pure. Father, I love talking to you. I don't know why it takes me so long to say what's in my heart. But everytime, once the words come out, your truth comes in. And I remember that you are a good God.

Dear Lord, help me friend. Please God, be with her. Shower her with your presence, with your love with your consolation. I can't imagine her pain, but you know her pain. Please give her rest in you. I don't know what I would do or how I would manage if my mom wasn't here. I truly don't know, the thought overwhelms me a little. And so I ask you to be with her. Help me be a good friend, help me be selfless and understandng. God give her preace and grace. She hasn't studied, but you know how her heart has been. And so I ask that you would suprise her and shock her with your awesome favor when she takes those exams.

Disperse

So I'm reading Genesis. Of course I'm confused. It's hart do read the Bible. One of the passages that especially caused me to pause today was the story of the tower of Babel. It just didn' seem like it was something to read and just look over.  Later, as I researched and thought, you struck me. You'd said to "disperse" and to populate the earth.  You told them to spread out, not just stay in one place with one people. Yet, it seems that human tendency is to bind together to those you know.  And so they decided not to be scattered.  Funny, how we do that today. How this tendency is still evident throughout the world. People refuse to go out where you send them to, to mix with those you tell them to mix with, to go out into all the world. And we discriminate, bind together in our little social orders and try to look down/separate ourselves from those how are not like us. God, I don't want to be like that. If you want me to scatter, lead me and help me.  I want to be fruitful.

Dear Lord, today I just want to ask that you would be with me. Please fill me with your spirit, envelope my life today with your grace. There's so much work to do. I almost didn't take time out to pray b/c it feels like I have so much to do that there is no time. But there is always time for you. Time is yours. You make it slow down and speed up for your cause.  Please help me find this stuff, help me finish this paper today. Give me your creative genious, order my thoughts. Make my thoughts productive and efficient. Help me to honor you and bring you glory. And in the midst of this day where all I see are letters on a page, and read about all the reasons the world is messed up, as I "study", help me to see you. Somehow. Make my time of study more than just that. I love you. I love you. I love you Lord. It's so good to know you. To have your assurance to have your protection. Your security.

Please forgive me for the things I've said, for the way I've spoken this week. I know I haven't spoken life at times. Cleanse my lips. Make them sing your praise and only your praise.

. So I started to research and

You Oppose the Proud but Give Grace to the Humble

Wow. What a day. So much to take in, so much to examine. First off, I learned what it means to be so consumed by your flesh for a moment and then experience utter and total conviction within a matter of minutes. It was at worship again. As much as I hate to admit it, it's humbling singing as part of the choir after having lead worship at the same church for some time and after having dedicated so many years as one of the "section leaders." I hate to admit it, but there it is. Not only is it humbling, but today I realized that I seem to want to assert my abilities and get some sort of recognition by the people who are now in the place where I used to be. Funny thing is that in the midst of doing this, I manage to sing the wrong thing during practice..hahahha and was told so ( I apologized of course and felt stupid). Afterwards though, when I had the opportunity to sing out in a solo, you were there. Despite the fact that I had been full of pride and completely lacking in meekness, you were there. You could have let me be put to shame (I would have deserved it), but you didn't. Why Lord? Why do you do this time and time again? What are you trying to teach me? That it's not about me. That I am your trumpet; for you to use or not use at will. Yeah, I think that 's it.

The thing is, I hate the process of me actually learning that. Of having that truth actually become enduring and real in my life. I hate the struggle. Between my flesh and my soul. The struggle between wanting to love you with a pure heart that  despises and sees the praise of this world as rubbish and the part of me that revels in the praise. So much that at times I wish I could just quit and never have to sing out there again. God forgive me. Please, forgive me for even feeling that way. Especially because I know that the truth is that this is a gift you've given me. A gift where I connect with you and feel your pleasure even as I am transformed in the midst of my praise. And even as I know that you are using it to bring glory to your name and draw people close to you. Please give me a heart that freely boasts in my weaknesses (there are so many can pick from.. I can't even begin to list them), a heart that boasts in your cross, genuinely. I love you God, I want to learn the lesson. A lot of things about this road of worship don't make sense.

I'm worried about my friend. My heart goes out to her Lord. Can you please make it better, take the defeat out Lord. Show her how great you are, how real your power is and how true that verse that says that "Your power is made perfect in weakness." Lord, I don't want her to fail. Can you help her get the paper done tomorrow? Can you please fill her with your strength, your confidence, your peace, your hope and faith. Or if for some reason this is part of your plan, can you show that to her. But no, I don't receive that God..Your word says that your plans towards us are good, to give us a good life. Your word says that you complete what you start, your word says that you are a God of order.

Daddy, can you please touch my husband. Please Lord, he is so amazing, so full of your spirit already in so many ways. But God, my heart longs to see him ignited for you. To see him longing and desiring to seek you without ceasing, to desire to reach higher and see you do powerful things. Please Lord, I know only you can do it; and I also know that everything, the whole world revolves around you and your clock...but Lord, can you do like a daylight savings switch and speed it up? My heart knows that this is not all you have for him. My heart knows that there's so much more of you that you want to show him. Please, hasten Lord, for my sake?

I love you God, I love you so much. Thank you because I finished today. I finished even though I didn't want to study and felt like I really couldn't. Thank you because you're grace is so real in my life. I adore you my Lord. I want to dwell in the shadow of your wings. I want to know you deeper, closer. My desire is for you, please increase it.

Goodnight my savior. Please give me a good night's rest and please take control of my day tomorrow and show me you. Help me accomplish the things I need to accomplish.

Why the Flood?

Dear Lord, why did you bring the flood? Why destroy the people you'd just made?...Because they were wicked I know, but why didn't you put into place the salvation plan of Jesus then? Why did you start over if you knew we would need to be saved again in the end anyways? Why was it necessary to destroy everything? I don't understand and I don't want to google it. I want you to tell me. Can I approach your throne of grace boldly with this? I love you. I believe everything you do is good and just.That's who I've known you to be in my life. I'll wait for an answer.

Good night my savior. I love you. Please reveal yourself to me tomorrow and let me see you.

..."Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it..."

I love you God. Thank you for everything, for your presence yesterday, for using me. What an awesome revelation, as Mother Theresa said, "I am a pen in the hands of a loving God." (yes, I remembered that from your post Ms. Jackson). I have found that I am a trumpet in the hands of a skilled and merciful God.  My voice, is not for my profit, for my praise, it's for your honor for your glory and to draw your children close. Thank you God that I can be a vessel of honor in your hands. I want to be your vessel, and only a vessel.

Today, in breaks between studying (please help me God, I don't have strength or the will today to do it; I feel overwhelmed) I decided to do this, and to listen to your word. I came across this:

"Then the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it'"

What an awesome passage. You just put it right there in a couple of sentence; kind'a just sum up the trouble of it all. We walk around so many times with our faces downcast for so many reasons, when the solution is really so simple. You put before us life and death, blessings or curse...it's our choice. And you warn us, that sin is crouching, waiting, just pacing back and forth to have us. What a nasty picture, like a wild animal, like a roaring lion seeking whom to devour. But we can rule over it. I can rule over it. Jesus, cause me to rule over it. Show me how to do it. Today Lord. I want to rule over it. And I will by your strength and power.