Happy New Year to me! Yay! and to you God, though I don't know if you celebrate new years. I'm a little worried. It wasn't the most exhilarating and inspring start to the year. I feel a little bad even talking about anything because I know my new year's was a lot better than many other people's. But I am a little scared God. I'm questioning things and don't know how to go about getting answers from you.
My mom, my dad. That's the problem. I just don't understand how it's possible to be a Christian and to speak your word and do so many things in your name's sake, yet still live in total discord and disunion and bickering for more than 25 years. Are you in the mix? If so, why haven't you answered my prayers, mine and my brother's and caused a miracle to happen. Yeah, I've heard the theory about how you don't force someone to change, about how you will only work if someone allows you to, but can that really be it? I mean, I've prayed for so many years, my brother cried so much when he was little....where is your redeeming power God? Lord, I love you, I'm sorry to be talking like this. It hurts me. But it's all in my mind, and not speaking has not made any of it go away.
And if the issue is that they don't allow you to change them, then how can they be Christians? I know change is slow, and progress is slow, and none of us are perfect, but God, your word says that you make us new. That we are transformed from glory to glory. Where is that in them? And if the answer is that they're not really Christians, then how is it that you still support them...how is it that they pray and seek you,....how is it that the church is now growing...how is it that my older brother appears to have changed so much and awakened spiritually while under their pastoring.
Myl little brother's theory really messed me up. According to him, this is how the cycle goes: A "miracle" happens because my mom decides to stay silent and say ok to anything and everything my dad says for awhile. She does this for a couple of months, but then gets fed up and starts bickering and blows up at him when he doesn't appear to change his ways. Afterwards, all the pent-up anger and bitterness boils over and translates to recriminations, etc.
I really did believe that it was you who'd done the miracle. But I'm not sure anymore because they seem to be right back where they started.
And so there God. I brought my worries to you with prayer and supplication. My supplication is that you would answer me please. I don't want to doubt but it doesn't make sense. I'm trying to fast today, Ann and I agreed to be fasting for David. I know I haven't been pulling my weight as a wife and so I wanted to pray and fast for him today; I just didn't know how to pray when I'm experiencing so much doubt. I'm gonna try anyways and trust that your grace is sufficient for me and that you will bring peace and clarity to my spirit. I love you God, above all, I love you. And I'm in it for good. I will wait on you because even though none of this makes sense, YOU make sense. You have shown yourself to be true in my life. In the world around me so many times. And so even though my faith is weak right now, and I feel a little lost, I trust that you are my shepherd and I will hear your loving voice.
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