Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Faith & Joy, Meditations
But let all those who take refuge and put their trust in You rejoice; let them ever sing and shout for joy, because You make a covering over them and defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You and be in high spirits. (Psalm 5:11 AMP)
"Joy- an unwavering gladness of heart that transcends our outward circumstances...Faith is joy's starting point. Joy is born and begins to grow when we place our confidence in the greatness of God, when we acknowledge all He's capable of, and when we realize all His love accomplishes on our behalf. Joy, true transcendent joy, cannot be gained apart from an abiding trust in God. It's like trying to produce light from darkness. It simply won't happen. But joy abounds limitless for all who make the Lord their confidence. Where there is faith in him, there is joy."
~From the Active Word Daily Devotional.
I think this is the most awesome devotional ever. It's so true, God, my joy abounds in you when I am most focused on your greatness and your mercies towards me all my life. I adore you God, I delight in being your daughter and my joy abounds. You are my portion, my inheritance and my life. Help me to memorize this verse above God. I want to inscribe and memorialize it in my heart every day. I Loooove you my sweet Jesus.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
New Year...
Yes, it's a new year. Shame on me, I haven't even written about it...life's been so busy with this new job and this incessant commute. I will try to catch up by writing with more frequency in the coming weeks...
My Decision to Become A Morning Person
I decided to become a morning person. I've made this decision several times. Each time, it's been triggered by the same thing...my prayer life, my absolute failure in establishing a constant, steady and fixed prayer life. I hate it. I hate that about me, how I can't seem to pray for longer than a few weeks at a time without ceasing. So here I go again one more time.
My goal is to get up with sufficient time to spend at least one hour in quiet time. The problem with this is that I've discovered that I don't function very well unless I have eight hours of sleep. The hours of a day, are working against me. I'm thinking 7 1/2 will have to do. So here's the plan, from now until March 22 (I hear it takes six weeks to form a habit)...
1. I will go to bed at 9:30 every weekday.
2. I will wake up every morning (including the weekends) at 5:00 a.m.
3. I will read my Bible in my quiet time.
4. I will eat breakfast every day.
Ok, so there it is. I made this resolution at the beginning of the year but I messed up already. Let's see how I fare this second time...God, please help me.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Your Answer
Hi God. I'm not proud of the way I've behaved. For the past two weeks, I've been doubting and feeding into my doubt. But, I've also been waiting. Waiting for you to speak, to bring some sense into this hazy cloud that seemed to have settled into my life. And finally I believe you did. I first heard you on a drive, to school.
"Leydy, after everything I've just done. After the way you've experienced my power in these three years of law school, you still ask me to defend or explain my existence."
It was a funny, odd way to answer my question. But it was very effective. Truth is, these past years I've seen God's hand and experienced his miraculous power and sovereign grace like never before. I know I am here by your grace, God. I know everything I've done, I've done because you have sustained me.
Dust that I am, your answer didn't stick with me through the next wave of doubt. And so for another week or so, I forgot or refused to accept that it could have been you talking to me that way. Until my conversation with Venise a few days ago outside of school.
We'd been talking for about an hour about so many things, law, faith, justice...alll that. I spoke to her with so much convictionaabout you and what I beliee you desire, that at some point I paused and had to confess my most recent struggle with doubt. I told her about my parent's situation, my questions, my confusion. And she told me about the ebbs and flow. The highs and the lows of this Christian walk. She remembered reading about it in C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters. As she spoke, I realized that even though my brother's theory sounded plausible, I did believe that you have made the highs in their marriage higher and the lows not quite as low as they were before. I chose to believe that this hardship, this trial for the past 20-30 years, has been a reflection that your grace is sufficient for them as it was for Paul. I chose to believe that you've made them stronger, drawn them nearer to you.
Arrogant Pharisee that I am, I also remembered my time dating David...so many times we messed up, and everytime I thought "Surely God's hand is strong enough to keep me from falling again." But sure enough, I often did fall again. And again, you forgave me and drew me closer. Through it, I considered myself a Christian even though the battle was so hard and often times I would lose. And I still believed in you; I believed that you were greater, that you were a God of forgiveness and love and grace. Today, I see that it was true. Today, because I stand by your grace and am married to the one I didn't even deserve. Who am I to say that they're not Christians? I've been there, struggled and fought and fell over and over and over again. Yet, my salvation was not less.
God, please help me not forget your words this time. Cement and confirm them God. I forget so easily, and doubt seeks to assail me every minute. I love you, I choose to believe that you are a just God, that you are a powerful God. I accept that life is not black and white, that you don't fit in a box, that it isn't always A or B, that I can't figure everything out. I accept that my thoughts are not as high as yours, that I am the clay and you are the potter. Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?
"Leydy, after everything I've just done. After the way you've experienced my power in these three years of law school, you still ask me to defend or explain my existence."
It was a funny, odd way to answer my question. But it was very effective. Truth is, these past years I've seen God's hand and experienced his miraculous power and sovereign grace like never before. I know I am here by your grace, God. I know everything I've done, I've done because you have sustained me.
Dust that I am, your answer didn't stick with me through the next wave of doubt. And so for another week or so, I forgot or refused to accept that it could have been you talking to me that way. Until my conversation with Venise a few days ago outside of school.
We'd been talking for about an hour about so many things, law, faith, justice...alll that. I spoke to her with so much convictionaabout you and what I beliee you desire, that at some point I paused and had to confess my most recent struggle with doubt. I told her about my parent's situation, my questions, my confusion. And she told me about the ebbs and flow. The highs and the lows of this Christian walk. She remembered reading about it in C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters. As she spoke, I realized that even though my brother's theory sounded plausible, I did believe that you have made the highs in their marriage higher and the lows not quite as low as they were before. I chose to believe that this hardship, this trial for the past 20-30 years, has been a reflection that your grace is sufficient for them as it was for Paul. I chose to believe that you've made them stronger, drawn them nearer to you.
Arrogant Pharisee that I am, I also remembered my time dating David...so many times we messed up, and everytime I thought "Surely God's hand is strong enough to keep me from falling again." But sure enough, I often did fall again. And again, you forgave me and drew me closer. Through it, I considered myself a Christian even though the battle was so hard and often times I would lose. And I still believed in you; I believed that you were greater, that you were a God of forgiveness and love and grace. Today, I see that it was true. Today, because I stand by your grace and am married to the one I didn't even deserve. Who am I to say that they're not Christians? I've been there, struggled and fought and fell over and over and over again. Yet, my salvation was not less.
God, please help me not forget your words this time. Cement and confirm them God. I forget so easily, and doubt seeks to assail me every minute. I love you, I choose to believe that you are a just God, that you are a powerful God. I accept that life is not black and white, that you don't fit in a box, that it isn't always A or B, that I can't figure everything out. I accept that my thoughts are not as high as yours, that I am the clay and you are the potter. Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Learning to Love the Sovereignty of God
Good night Lord. It's been an interesting day...I've been thinking about you so much. And even though that makes me happy, I can't say I'm really proud of myself. Sometimes when I get like this, I have such a hard time concentrating and staying on task at everyday life things like my work at the office. Today it was you, on my mind...so much. And then it was this new blog thing I've gotten into my head. I just keep wanting to find a diary. Someone's diary, but not just anybody. I want to read and see into the heart and mind of a woman who loves you , and lives out your word everyday...I guess I kind of just want it for inspiration. To know that it's really possible. (that was part of the reason I started this blog when I didn't find anything, knowing and feeling, all the while, that I probably wasn't that woman yet but aspiring that one day, as months and years went by I would start to read the difference in my entries as I grew into that woman) Anyways, I don't know what to do with myself when I get like this; it's kind of frustrating because I feel super-spiritual all day and while that's good, it shows me how un-spiritual (if there is such a thing) I am most days. Basically,I just haven't figured out this walking with God daily thing, the praying without ceasing...sometimes it seems more like its a day on and a day off for me sometimes...Give me balance God.
So, what is it that I've been thinking about you exactly? Well, after watching that Justin Peter's A Call for Discernment video the other day (disc if anyone actually reads this blog: not a 100% advocate of everything on there...but a lot is really good stuff), a lot of things kind of started to click, or in the very least a lot of things started to just kind of come forward in a new way for me. You know me Lord, I've never really been a big Prosperity Movement kind of person; you've given me that grace, and really I just want money to give it all away. But, I have been a big Miracles and Wonders believer. And I still am, because I do believe you are a God of Miracles and Wonders, but now I am looking a little closer at it all and one of the things he said stuck with me:
He said that a lot of these people who area all about miracles and healings and supernatural movements of God claim that part of the reason they are such strong advocates of these things is because these things show the glory of God--they in a sense add weight and value to the Christian message. But this is wrong! he says. The message of Christ, the Gospel itself is the power of God...the GOSPEL is what brings salvation to everyone who believes. Your gospel is the power..not the healings or the blessings or the wealth...your sacrifice and your saving grace THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. Even if God were to stop healing people (which he doesn't ) and the whole world was wrecked in poverty (a lot of it is), your Good News would still be the saving grace of men (Earth to L.S.R: this is probably why there are so many scriptures about how "love is the greatest of all these things," about how "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ") Your love, the love you showed on the cross and the power of your love; that is the only saving grace.
That is some powerful stuff God. I don't know if I've been fully aware of it! It seems like I've always been one of those Christians hungry for an outpouring of your spirit, a pillar of fire, miraculous healings...etc. And not that anything is wrong with that, but I'm wondering how much of my prayers have been consumed with this; I'm wondering how much of my life I may have used up on prayers for miracles and healings and all of that instead of just worship, or learning new ways of worship, or maybe even just friendship. I don't know, I'd like to think that not too many because I truly love you Lord, but all the same: it's liberating. It's liberating to know that I can love you; unconditionally-that this is actually what it's all about, always. That I don't have to feel disappointed or feel the need to justify and make sense of the times when it seems like you don't come through in the way I thought you would, or even when you don't act. In the end it doesn't matter.What matters is that I love you, and you saved me. And that you're sovereign.
So, what is it that I've been thinking about you exactly? Well, after watching that Justin Peter's A Call for Discernment video the other day (disc if anyone actually reads this blog: not a 100% advocate of everything on there...but a lot is really good stuff), a lot of things kind of started to click, or in the very least a lot of things started to just kind of come forward in a new way for me. You know me Lord, I've never really been a big Prosperity Movement kind of person; you've given me that grace, and really I just want money to give it all away. But, I have been a big Miracles and Wonders believer. And I still am, because I do believe you are a God of Miracles and Wonders, but now I am looking a little closer at it all and one of the things he said stuck with me:
He said that a lot of these people who area all about miracles and healings and supernatural movements of God claim that part of the reason they are such strong advocates of these things is because these things show the glory of God--they in a sense add weight and value to the Christian message. But this is wrong! he says. The message of Christ, the Gospel itself is the power of God...the GOSPEL is what brings salvation to everyone who believes. Your gospel is the power..not the healings or the blessings or the wealth...your sacrifice and your saving grace THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT. Even if God were to stop healing people (which he doesn't ) and the whole world was wrecked in poverty (a lot of it is), your Good News would still be the saving grace of men (Earth to L.S.R: this is probably why there are so many scriptures about how "love is the greatest of all these things," about how "nothing can separate us from the love of Christ") Your love, the love you showed on the cross and the power of your love; that is the only saving grace.
That is some powerful stuff God. I don't know if I've been fully aware of it! It seems like I've always been one of those Christians hungry for an outpouring of your spirit, a pillar of fire, miraculous healings...etc. And not that anything is wrong with that, but I'm wondering how much of my prayers have been consumed with this; I'm wondering how much of my life I may have used up on prayers for miracles and healings and all of that instead of just worship, or learning new ways of worship, or maybe even just friendship. I don't know, I'd like to think that not too many because I truly love you Lord, but all the same: it's liberating. It's liberating to know that I can love you; unconditionally-that this is actually what it's all about, always. That I don't have to feel disappointed or feel the need to justify and make sense of the times when it seems like you don't come through in the way I thought you would, or even when you don't act. In the end it doesn't matter.What matters is that I love you, and you saved me. And that you're sovereign.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Will You Discredit My Justice?
No, God I won't. I hear your voice God. I hear you. My experience these past three years, the ebb and flow, the thorn on the side, your grace is sufficient, and Job. Yes, God I hear you. And I submit to you. I believe you. And I love you. How I love you. I love you even if I don't quite understand completely. Even if I see thru a mirror darkly now.
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Be like the great George Mueller of Bristol England. On the Lord's Day, February 6, 1870, his wife Mary died of rheumatic fever. They had been married 39 years and 4 months. The Lord gave him the strength to preach at her memorial service. He said,
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Be like the great George Mueller of Bristol England. On the Lord's Day, February 6, 1870, his wife Mary died of rheumatic fever. They had been married 39 years and 4 months. The Lord gave him the strength to preach at her memorial service. He said,
I miss her in numberless ways, and shall miss her yet more and more. But as a child of God, and as a servant of the Lord Jesus, I bow, I am satisfied with the will of my Heavenly Father, I seek by perfect submission to His holy will to glorify Him, I kiss continually the hand that has thus afflicted me.By John Piper. © Desiring God. Website: desiringGod.org
Monday, January 3, 2011
Doubt On the Eve of A New Year--Not Good.
Happy New Year to me! Yay! and to you God, though I don't know if you celebrate new years. I'm a little worried. It wasn't the most exhilarating and inspring start to the year. I feel a little bad even talking about anything because I know my new year's was a lot better than many other people's. But I am a little scared God. I'm questioning things and don't know how to go about getting answers from you.
My mom, my dad. That's the problem. I just don't understand how it's possible to be a Christian and to speak your word and do so many things in your name's sake, yet still live in total discord and disunion and bickering for more than 25 years. Are you in the mix? If so, why haven't you answered my prayers, mine and my brother's and caused a miracle to happen. Yeah, I've heard the theory about how you don't force someone to change, about how you will only work if someone allows you to, but can that really be it? I mean, I've prayed for so many years, my brother cried so much when he was little....where is your redeeming power God? Lord, I love you, I'm sorry to be talking like this. It hurts me. But it's all in my mind, and not speaking has not made any of it go away.
And if the issue is that they don't allow you to change them, then how can they be Christians? I know change is slow, and progress is slow, and none of us are perfect, but God, your word says that you make us new. That we are transformed from glory to glory. Where is that in them? And if the answer is that they're not really Christians, then how is it that you still support them...how is it that they pray and seek you,....how is it that the church is now growing...how is it that my older brother appears to have changed so much and awakened spiritually while under their pastoring.
Myl little brother's theory really messed me up. According to him, this is how the cycle goes: A "miracle" happens because my mom decides to stay silent and say ok to anything and everything my dad says for awhile. She does this for a couple of months, but then gets fed up and starts bickering and blows up at him when he doesn't appear to change his ways. Afterwards, all the pent-up anger and bitterness boils over and translates to recriminations, etc.
I really did believe that it was you who'd done the miracle. But I'm not sure anymore because they seem to be right back where they started.
And so there God. I brought my worries to you with prayer and supplication. My supplication is that you would answer me please. I don't want to doubt but it doesn't make sense. I'm trying to fast today, Ann and I agreed to be fasting for David. I know I haven't been pulling my weight as a wife and so I wanted to pray and fast for him today; I just didn't know how to pray when I'm experiencing so much doubt. I'm gonna try anyways and trust that your grace is sufficient for me and that you will bring peace and clarity to my spirit. I love you God, above all, I love you. And I'm in it for good. I will wait on you because even though none of this makes sense, YOU make sense. You have shown yourself to be true in my life. In the world around me so many times. And so even though my faith is weak right now, and I feel a little lost, I trust that you are my shepherd and I will hear your loving voice.
My mom, my dad. That's the problem. I just don't understand how it's possible to be a Christian and to speak your word and do so many things in your name's sake, yet still live in total discord and disunion and bickering for more than 25 years. Are you in the mix? If so, why haven't you answered my prayers, mine and my brother's and caused a miracle to happen. Yeah, I've heard the theory about how you don't force someone to change, about how you will only work if someone allows you to, but can that really be it? I mean, I've prayed for so many years, my brother cried so much when he was little....where is your redeeming power God? Lord, I love you, I'm sorry to be talking like this. It hurts me. But it's all in my mind, and not speaking has not made any of it go away.
And if the issue is that they don't allow you to change them, then how can they be Christians? I know change is slow, and progress is slow, and none of us are perfect, but God, your word says that you make us new. That we are transformed from glory to glory. Where is that in them? And if the answer is that they're not really Christians, then how is it that you still support them...how is it that they pray and seek you,....how is it that the church is now growing...how is it that my older brother appears to have changed so much and awakened spiritually while under their pastoring.
Myl little brother's theory really messed me up. According to him, this is how the cycle goes: A "miracle" happens because my mom decides to stay silent and say ok to anything and everything my dad says for awhile. She does this for a couple of months, but then gets fed up and starts bickering and blows up at him when he doesn't appear to change his ways. Afterwards, all the pent-up anger and bitterness boils over and translates to recriminations, etc.
I really did believe that it was you who'd done the miracle. But I'm not sure anymore because they seem to be right back where they started.
And so there God. I brought my worries to you with prayer and supplication. My supplication is that you would answer me please. I don't want to doubt but it doesn't make sense. I'm trying to fast today, Ann and I agreed to be fasting for David. I know I haven't been pulling my weight as a wife and so I wanted to pray and fast for him today; I just didn't know how to pray when I'm experiencing so much doubt. I'm gonna try anyways and trust that your grace is sufficient for me and that you will bring peace and clarity to my spirit. I love you God, above all, I love you. And I'm in it for good. I will wait on you because even though none of this makes sense, YOU make sense. You have shown yourself to be true in my life. In the world around me so many times. And so even though my faith is weak right now, and I feel a little lost, I trust that you are my shepherd and I will hear your loving voice.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I Don't Even Know if You Show
Oh Dear Lord. Listening to songs about you makes me thirst as if I were in a dry and weary land. Everything inside of me craves...for you and for your kingdom. God, I don't even know if I'm doing what you want me to do. At times like this, I just want to sit by your side and sing. Just sing for your glory, just worship you. I adore you. God, you are the strength of my life. But I don't even know if you show. God I want you to show in my life. I don't want to get caught up in living, in going. I want to know you and the glory of your salvation.I want to live and breathe you and I want to reflect you. More than ever, God. If I truly believe this whole salavation story; if i believe the whole message in your word is really true, why doesn't my life reflect it more. God, who have I touched? I don't know I can't think of anyone. God, you know my heart, why do I feel like this? Daddy I need you to speak to me. I need you to give my life true direction, not this aimless wandering, this half-hearted guessing. God, I want to speak your word. I want to touch lives with the power of your name. I want to see miracles, hearts turn to you, healing, miracles. I want to know what it means to walk with you, to find my life in you. God, I need to find my life in you. Please help me, please do it.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I Trust You to Purify Me
Dearest Lord, it's been so long since I've written. Probably about as long as I've prayed. Not sure how it happened: school and I just got in the way, I think. But I missed you, couldn't take it anymore. The thought that you wanted to spend time with me and I hadn't made time made me hurt. So, here we are. I don't have anything inspiring or deep to say, other than that I love you. That I love everything about you. That I wish I felt closer to you right now. But I don't. It seems like school has dulled me these weeks. But how I still love you my sweet Jesus. I need to give you glory because everything about you is glorious.
Lead me to your heart God. Surprise me in the middle of my day. Father, show me your heart. Lead me to the cross where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me to your heart, God.--I borrowed that from Brooke. Draw me in. Give me your heart. I've had a hard time speaking lately, dunno why. Daddy, I want to know the meaning of life with you. In you. Awaken me again! Please. Give me strength.
Lord, I've been getting so scared lately. I hate it. You've been so graceful to me and I've done so well these past two years...I'm afraid that it's gonna get to head or that it already has. I know it hasn't been me. It's been so clear to me every semester. But now, it's almost like I'm starting to think that its natural and I don't know. I don't know. I just want to give YOU the glory. I want to trust in YOU, not in my strength or in my calendars or strategies. God, but the calendars help. I feel so overwhlemed otherwise. Please give me peace. God search my heart and know me. In my deepest of hearts I know that the glory is all yours and that I can do nothing without you. Daddy let that be at the forefront of my thoughts. Let that eclipse every other thought. And let it be for your praise. I renounce every fear in my hear or mind because your perfect love in me knows no fear. I trust you God. I know you will keep my heart and my ways pure. Father, I love talking to you. I don't know why it takes me so long to say what's in my heart. But everytime, once the words come out, your truth comes in. And I remember that you are a good God.
Dear Lord, help me friend. Please God, be with her. Shower her with your presence, with your love with your consolation. I can't imagine her pain, but you know her pain. Please give her rest in you. I don't know what I would do or how I would manage if my mom wasn't here. I truly don't know, the thought overwhelms me a little. And so I ask you to be with her. Help me be a good friend, help me be selfless and understandng. God give her preace and grace. She hasn't studied, but you know how her heart has been. And so I ask that you would suprise her and shock her with your awesome favor when she takes those exams.
Lead me to your heart God. Surprise me in the middle of my day. Father, show me your heart. Lead me to the cross where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me to your heart, God.--I borrowed that from Brooke. Draw me in. Give me your heart. I've had a hard time speaking lately, dunno why. Daddy, I want to know the meaning of life with you. In you. Awaken me again! Please. Give me strength.
Lord, I've been getting so scared lately. I hate it. You've been so graceful to me and I've done so well these past two years...I'm afraid that it's gonna get to head or that it already has. I know it hasn't been me. It's been so clear to me every semester. But now, it's almost like I'm starting to think that its natural and I don't know. I don't know. I just want to give YOU the glory. I want to trust in YOU, not in my strength or in my calendars or strategies. God, but the calendars help. I feel so overwhlemed otherwise. Please give me peace. God search my heart and know me. In my deepest of hearts I know that the glory is all yours and that I can do nothing without you. Daddy let that be at the forefront of my thoughts. Let that eclipse every other thought. And let it be for your praise. I renounce every fear in my hear or mind because your perfect love in me knows no fear. I trust you God. I know you will keep my heart and my ways pure. Father, I love talking to you. I don't know why it takes me so long to say what's in my heart. But everytime, once the words come out, your truth comes in. And I remember that you are a good God.
Dear Lord, help me friend. Please God, be with her. Shower her with your presence, with your love with your consolation. I can't imagine her pain, but you know her pain. Please give her rest in you. I don't know what I would do or how I would manage if my mom wasn't here. I truly don't know, the thought overwhelms me a little. And so I ask you to be with her. Help me be a good friend, help me be selfless and understandng. God give her preace and grace. She hasn't studied, but you know how her heart has been. And so I ask that you would suprise her and shock her with your awesome favor when she takes those exams.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
You Oppose the Proud but Give Grace to the Humble
Wow. What a day. So much to take in, so much to examine. First off, I learned what it means to be so consumed by your flesh for a moment and then experience utter and total conviction within a matter of minutes. It was at worship again. As much as I hate to admit it, it's humbling singing as part of the choir after having lead worship at the same church for some time and after having dedicated so many years as one of the "section leaders." I hate to admit it, but there it is. Not only is it humbling, but today I realized that I seem to want to assert my abilities and get some sort of recognition by the people who are now in the place where I used to be. Funny thing is that in the midst of doing this, I manage to sing the wrong thing during practice..hahahha and was told so ( I apologized of course and felt stupid). Afterwards though, when I had the opportunity to sing out in a solo, you were there. Despite the fact that I had been full of pride and completely lacking in meekness, you were there. You could have let me be put to shame (I would have deserved it), but you didn't. Why Lord? Why do you do this time and time again? What are you trying to teach me? That it's not about me. That I am your trumpet; for you to use or not use at will. Yeah, I think that 's it.
The thing is, I hate the process of me actually learning that. Of having that truth actually become enduring and real in my life. I hate the struggle. Between my flesh and my soul. The struggle between wanting to love you with a pure heart that despises and sees the praise of this world as rubbish and the part of me that revels in the praise. So much that at times I wish I could just quit and never have to sing out there again. God forgive me. Please, forgive me for even feeling that way. Especially because I know that the truth is that this is a gift you've given me. A gift where I connect with you and feel your pleasure even as I am transformed in the midst of my praise. And even as I know that you are using it to bring glory to your name and draw people close to you. Please give me a heart that freely boasts in my weaknesses (there are so many can pick from.. I can't even begin to list them), a heart that boasts in your cross, genuinely. I love you God, I want to learn the lesson. A lot of things about this road of worship don't make sense.
I'm worried about my friend. My heart goes out to her Lord. Can you please make it better, take the defeat out Lord. Show her how great you are, how real your power is and how true that verse that says that "Your power is made perfect in weakness." Lord, I don't want her to fail. Can you help her get the paper done tomorrow? Can you please fill her with your strength, your confidence, your peace, your hope and faith. Or if for some reason this is part of your plan, can you show that to her. But no, I don't receive that God..Your word says that your plans towards us are good, to give us a good life. Your word says that you complete what you start, your word says that you are a God of order.
Daddy, can you please touch my husband. Please Lord, he is so amazing, so full of your spirit already in so many ways. But God, my heart longs to see him ignited for you. To see him longing and desiring to seek you without ceasing, to desire to reach higher and see you do powerful things. Please Lord, I know only you can do it; and I also know that everything, the whole world revolves around you and your clock...but Lord, can you do like a daylight savings switch and speed it up? My heart knows that this is not all you have for him. My heart knows that there's so much more of you that you want to show him. Please, hasten Lord, for my sake?
I love you God, I love you so much. Thank you because I finished today. I finished even though I didn't want to study and felt like I really couldn't. Thank you because you're grace is so real in my life. I adore you my Lord. I want to dwell in the shadow of your wings. I want to know you deeper, closer. My desire is for you, please increase it.
Goodnight my savior. Please give me a good night's rest and please take control of my day tomorrow and show me you. Help me accomplish the things I need to accomplish.
The thing is, I hate the process of me actually learning that. Of having that truth actually become enduring and real in my life. I hate the struggle. Between my flesh and my soul. The struggle between wanting to love you with a pure heart that despises and sees the praise of this world as rubbish and the part of me that revels in the praise. So much that at times I wish I could just quit and never have to sing out there again. God forgive me. Please, forgive me for even feeling that way. Especially because I know that the truth is that this is a gift you've given me. A gift where I connect with you and feel your pleasure even as I am transformed in the midst of my praise. And even as I know that you are using it to bring glory to your name and draw people close to you. Please give me a heart that freely boasts in my weaknesses (there are so many can pick from.. I can't even begin to list them), a heart that boasts in your cross, genuinely. I love you God, I want to learn the lesson. A lot of things about this road of worship don't make sense.
I'm worried about my friend. My heart goes out to her Lord. Can you please make it better, take the defeat out Lord. Show her how great you are, how real your power is and how true that verse that says that "Your power is made perfect in weakness." Lord, I don't want her to fail. Can you help her get the paper done tomorrow? Can you please fill her with your strength, your confidence, your peace, your hope and faith. Or if for some reason this is part of your plan, can you show that to her. But no, I don't receive that God..Your word says that your plans towards us are good, to give us a good life. Your word says that you complete what you start, your word says that you are a God of order.
Daddy, can you please touch my husband. Please Lord, he is so amazing, so full of your spirit already in so many ways. But God, my heart longs to see him ignited for you. To see him longing and desiring to seek you without ceasing, to desire to reach higher and see you do powerful things. Please Lord, I know only you can do it; and I also know that everything, the whole world revolves around you and your clock...but Lord, can you do like a daylight savings switch and speed it up? My heart knows that this is not all you have for him. My heart knows that there's so much more of you that you want to show him. Please, hasten Lord, for my sake?
I love you God, I love you so much. Thank you because I finished today. I finished even though I didn't want to study and felt like I really couldn't. Thank you because you're grace is so real in my life. I adore you my Lord. I want to dwell in the shadow of your wings. I want to know you deeper, closer. My desire is for you, please increase it.
Goodnight my savior. Please give me a good night's rest and please take control of my day tomorrow and show me you. Help me accomplish the things I need to accomplish.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
A week without prayer...back at step 1
This is my second attempt at a blog. Let's see how it goes. Today I'm trying to pray. I came over to a friend's house to study and found her praying. It reminded me of so many things I've forgotten. Things like "seek God first and all the other things will be added to you" (I know I got that wrong, but it's the gist).
I'm sorry Lord. Again. I wish I could love you right. I don't think I even know what love is half the time. And I miss you. I feel incomplete when I'm not near you. Like my life is not quite whole. How can I love you and not event talk to you? How can I talk about you with so much conviction and so much love, but not address you for days on end? I haven't prayed in over a week now I think. I haven't even opened my Bible. How does that happen? But yesterday I was talking about you again. Talking to my friend about how I am not worried about my life after graduation because I figured wherever I end up, i'll end up there because you put me there. How do I have that assurance and that "sinverguenzura" without even having talked to you? It just doesn't seem right.
But I'm here Lord. Trying something new for something old--prayer. It's basically the same thing, just me praying on a keyboard...lol. In the end, I know it all boils down to you. Whether I blog, sing, pray-in-my-head, whatever...it doesn't matter. But I need help. I have a hard time reaching you and talking to you sometimes. Maybe this will help. I don't know. I love you so much my light. Hosana.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, between the time of this new paragraph and the last one above, I decided to just look up Biblegateway. I mean, writing is all good and nice, but prayer is about God talking also. I looked up the audio Bibles in Biblegateay and came across a reading of Genesis 3 from Max McLean (I always start out at either Genesis or one of the Gospels after a long time of going without reading the Bible...not sure why). Wow! What an amazing reader. I've never heard the Bible that way. When he talks about God creating man and the woman, and of how she was created from his rib, it all sounds so holy. So divine.
Then a few verses later, the same woman gives to her husband to eat of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. And then, the wrath of God. It's so incredibly amazing and powerful the way McLean reads it. God sounds furious and angry, like a judge judge meting out justice. It's insane to think how this same God, all the while he's rendering his verdict, is also crafting a plan to save. How incredibly glorious. It's even more awesome that we get a glimpse of it when he says that the woman's offspring will crush the snake.
How satisfying that was. Your word really is like bread. I feel full again, already. And almost ashamed of it; I just asked, looked to you and you satisfied me so quickly, without hesitation. Thank you God. I want more. Please keep me hungry and full on your bread of life. I've been hungry and thirsty for the past two weeks.
I'm sorry Lord. Again. I wish I could love you right. I don't think I even know what love is half the time. And I miss you. I feel incomplete when I'm not near you. Like my life is not quite whole. How can I love you and not event talk to you? How can I talk about you with so much conviction and so much love, but not address you for days on end? I haven't prayed in over a week now I think. I haven't even opened my Bible. How does that happen? But yesterday I was talking about you again. Talking to my friend about how I am not worried about my life after graduation because I figured wherever I end up, i'll end up there because you put me there. How do I have that assurance and that "sinverguenzura" without even having talked to you? It just doesn't seem right.
But I'm here Lord. Trying something new for something old--prayer. It's basically the same thing, just me praying on a keyboard...lol. In the end, I know it all boils down to you. Whether I blog, sing, pray-in-my-head, whatever...it doesn't matter. But I need help. I have a hard time reaching you and talking to you sometimes. Maybe this will help. I don't know. I love you so much my light. Hosana.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, between the time of this new paragraph and the last one above, I decided to just look up Biblegateway. I mean, writing is all good and nice, but prayer is about God talking also. I looked up the audio Bibles in Biblegateay and came across a reading of Genesis 3 from Max McLean (I always start out at either Genesis or one of the Gospels after a long time of going without reading the Bible...not sure why). Wow! What an amazing reader. I've never heard the Bible that way. When he talks about God creating man and the woman, and of how she was created from his rib, it all sounds so holy. So divine.
Then a few verses later, the same woman gives to her husband to eat of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. And then, the wrath of God. It's so incredibly amazing and powerful the way McLean reads it. God sounds furious and angry, like a judge judge meting out justice. It's insane to think how this same God, all the while he's rendering his verdict, is also crafting a plan to save. How incredibly glorious. It's even more awesome that we get a glimpse of it when he says that the woman's offspring will crush the snake.
How satisfying that was. Your word really is like bread. I feel full again, already. And almost ashamed of it; I just asked, looked to you and you satisfied me so quickly, without hesitation. Thank you God. I want more. Please keep me hungry and full on your bread of life. I've been hungry and thirsty for the past two weeks.
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